Today I heard someone say, “you’ll find what you’re looking for when you finally get to the end of yourself.” She wasn’t talking to me, or to anyone I know, it was just happenstance that I heard them at all yet they’ve lingered in my mind all day. Of all the things I’ve pondered today, I can’t get away from the question that has begged my spirit for a response: what does it look like when you get to the end of yourself?
I’ve been tempted to settle for a superficial answer to appease my spirit and temporarily quiet the voice that has been nagging me all day. But somehow, at this particular time in my life, a superficial response just won’t do. I’ve decided that getting to the end of yourself looks a little like the silent sadness that can sweep over you when you’ve sacrificed bits of yourself doing the same mundane things day after day. The end of yourself is the place you find when the demands of work and home feel like a heavy weight that you just can’t escape. When the stresses and worries of uncertainty and doubt begin to turn your dark hair shades of silver that can be visibly seen by the world, when the once beautiful smile you’ve worn for so long is replaced by fine lines that show both age and experience, that’s where the end of yourself is found. When you are praying for the world and sometimes wonder “oh Lord, but who is praying for me?” Yes, the “end” of yourself is the most desperate place to be. It’s looking up and seeing yourself surrounded by mountains that seem so overwhelmingly large you know you’ll never make it to the top again on your own. The end of yourself looks just like it sounds. Maybe not the end as in actual death but something even more dangerous: a weary woman not walking in the safety, goodness and favor of the Lord.
The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that coming to the end of yourself, as excruciating as it may be, is necessary to walk in the fullness of the Lord. In a valley, surrounded on every side by immovable, impassable mountains, a woman has two choices. She can sit down in her valley, stare at the mountains and cry herself to sleep or she can kneel down in her valley, turn her gaze to the sky and raise her hands to the Heavens like a warrior going into battle! She can’t climb the mountain on her own and she isn’t strong enough to pick herself up to even take the first step BUT if she will change her focus from the mountain to the mover, suddenly escape is within reach.
Are you hearing what I am saying, friend? We let ourselves become self-sacrificial offerings to the vultures of this world. Leaving a piece of ourselves everywhere we go, we don’t leave much hope for our weary minds to rest. I am the worst for this. My internal hard drive wants to talk about worst-case scenario all the time. I don’t expect goodness to follow me, I’ve trained myself for disaster. Some people, including myself, call this being a realist. The truth is I have yet to remove the baggage I have carried for so long and step into the fullness of the Lord. I have not walked as a daughter of the King, worthy of goodness and mercy, favor and victory. No, I have allowed myself to be dictated by the circumstances I can see instead of shifting my focus to the one who can see what I cannot. It’s time that the Godly women of this world realize the goodness that the Lord has in store for them. Ladies, if you have come to the end of yourself, pick up your crown, steady your gaze on the Heavens and walk into the joy and fullness of the Lord that was bought for you on Calvary so long ago. You were a weary woman but shifting your eyes on God can make you a woman, reclaimed.
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flames shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your savior. Isaiah 43:1-3